Journey Into the Future - Volume 2

Another wave of prescience has swept across the OLPM offices. Watch out, America! This is your future…

August, 2003: In celebration of his 70th birthday, Elvis Presley finally comes out of hiding, bringing his longtime companion Andy Kaufman with him. Fit, trim and tanned, the ever-youthful Presley talks at a press conference about his activities for the past 26 years: “Hell, I just been jammin’ with Jimi and Janis and that Cobain kid. We’ve got hours and hours of great stuff we’d love the public to hear…” Before Presley can continue, however, he is tragically gunned down by an irate Pat Boone (recently converted to Islam and renamed Shamar Khaled Khalla), and the legendary tapes he speaks of never surface.

June, 2005: “Hurricane Riding” becomes the latest Extreme Sport to be embraced by America’s youth. It involves strapping yourself to a rock during a hurricane hanging on for as long as you can; other variations involve using a snowboard or a surfboard to see how far you can “ride” it. Supposedly inspired by a long series of Mountain Dew commercials depicting teens snowboarding off a plane, into space and into the heart of a nuclear reactor, the new sport is roundly criticized by all sectors except the organ harvesting industry.

January, 2008: Welshmania sweeps the country! An influx of hot new movie stars and starlets, including Huw Cywundler, Annw Caeluwly and Wywywywy Cwywym, from the long-neglected nub of the British Empire start a craze that just won’t let up. From the mouth watering wonders of Welsh food (rocks on toast) to the spledorous beauty of Welsh music (“Hw Mych Ys That Dwggy Yn Thw Wyndyw?”), America is entranced by yet another insular island backwater.

October, 2011: A re-translation of several ancient Tibetan texts redefines how the Dalai Lama is chosen; consequently, the honor goes to a small duck from upstate New York state known as “Mr. Webby”. As Mr. Webby’s owner (Sally Teasdale of Ithaca) refuses to move to a mountainous country in Eastern Asia, thousands of Tibetan monks flood the Finger Lakes region of the state, causing innumerable cultural clashes. Worse, at least one diplomatic incident occurs when the Dalai Lama lays an egg on the Soviet Premier’s carpet during a good will tour. However, any further outrages are quelled when Mr. Webby dies in a mysterious fire while inspecting a series of pizza ovens later in the tour. One distraught monk tearfully assesses the situation by noting “the great one is alive in our hearts and stomachs, living eternally as he died: in a delicious orange sauce”.

Some Self-Refexive Lummage

Sometimes I think on these durned ol’ blogs we’re (or at least I’m) a little too list happy. Many of us are from the Lettermen generation, have short attention spans and can dash off a list in no time flat without thinking. Therefore, in the interest of continuing the trend and adding some refreshing zing! to the proceedings, I’m starting the first OLPM contest: here’s a list of lists which I dare (that’s right, dare!) somebody to tackle. Happy humbling…

Sentences That Start With “Whoomp!”
Best Jokes About Chemical Activation Energy
Those Hilarious Parapalegics
Justifications for Anal Rape
Best Moments From “Utah!”: The Musical
Least Popular Chinese Hieroglyphs
More Jokes About Rutherford B. Hayes and Sam Yorty Sr.
Spines! A Celebration
Who’s Better: Cher or Boog Powell?
Tastes like Chicken: Unusual Meats and What They Do To The Colon
Twelve Rocks You Can Find In Your Driveway and Why
Things That Squirt

Journey Into the Future - Volume 1

We here at OLPM, having consulted some of the great psychics of our time (Jeanne Dixon, Sydney Omarr, Dionne Warwick) in conjunction with a series of all-night benders & Oki-dog eating contests, have come up with a look at what the future holds for us, the American people. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the fun and random bursts of flatulence.

September, 2001: Perseus P. Eyeball of Barstow, California develops a solar-powered hand grenade. The U.S. military initially shows strong interest, which quickly wanes when several scientists working on the project are involved in a test-site accident and are given extremely uneven tans. Also noted is the unwieldy 100 lb. solar panels attached to each grenade, making the object difficult for the average soldier in the field to throw.

November, 2001: Dissent quickly grows in the US Senate as senators continue to switch their allignments to “Independent” at an alarming rate, sending the power balance in the House wobbling back and forth like a broken see-saw. This leads to the institution of the “Senatorial Key Party”, wherein representatives from both parties drop their car keys into a giant fishbowl in the middle of the House floor, and the Speaker picks one at random and goes home with the owner. Whoever is picked becomes Majority Leader, and, if good in the sack, also receives a phone call and a bouquet of roses from the Speaker the next day.

November, 2004: Following a landslide victory across the country, the Backstreet Boys take office as the 44th President of the United States of America. Promising “more jobs, lower taxes, and all my sweet, sweet L-U-V to YOU, girl”, in a choreographed statement and dance routine for the press, four of the five new chief of staff make a bold impression on America as the “rebel guy” member sits in the corner pouting and throwing out gang signs. Mysteriously, all of the memebers of ‘NSync vanish the day after the inauguration never to be seen again, with the exception of the appearance of Justin Timberlake’s head in the middle of the Utah desert.

October, 2010: The scientific community collectively gasps in amazement as another previously insurmountable barrier is toppled: the Chicago Cubs take home a World Series victory. The announcement sends shockwaves through society; a radical splinter group who refuse to believe that the nigh-unbelievable has taken place (calling themselves the “Flat Pennant Society”) move to the Colorado Rockies and set up a compound to wait out the end of the world. Government agencies are set up to investigate the matter by experts who fear that alien manipulation or perhaps the use of super-strong/hyper-agile robots has occurred.

January, 2020: Fossil fuels are finally exhausted on planet Earth. Coincidentally, a consurtium of major oil companies announce a new fuel-efficient engine that runs entirely on water. “Yeah, we just developed this. No, it hasn’t been sitting around for years waiting for the gas to run out at all, no, sir. Just came up with this last week. Yup, yup.” says Smarny P. Gungerjack, a spokesman for Exxon. Also coincidentally, water prices rise to $2.50 a gallon.