Today's Travel Ad

Are you still looking for that perfect getaway spot, an undiscovered gem far from the maddening crowds? It sounds like you’re ready for

ANTARCTICA!

Finally, a vacation destination for the 21st Century.

Come on! Give yourself a break! Meet us down here in

ANTARCTICA!

You won’t live to regret it! You might not continue living at all! It’s…

ANTARCTICA!

So you think you’ve been everywhere there is to go? Not here you haven’t! Antarctica is thousands of square miles of unspoiled sub-zero desert just waiting for you to frolic in! If you’re looking for a new kind of luxury resort, just check out these features!:

- Miles upon miles of available oceanside property! The swimming great here, and it’s never crowded!
- Unspoiled beauty! Vast expanses of white greet your tired eyes; no pollution, no crowds, no heat! Especially that last part!
- Get hip! This is the place to display those heavy winter fashions that you can’t use in the tropics. Who can even see that brightly-colored bikini on a Brazilian supermodel? It’s too small! Out here, there’s plenty of chance to display layers of fashion gear!
- Like seafood? There’s plenty to eat out here! In fact, that’s ALL there is to eat out here! Holy mackeral, that’s not my waiter, that’s a penguin!
- Peace and Quiet! You can finally relax and hear yourself think down here. In fact that’s all you can hear, except perhaps the soothing sounds of the frigid Antartic winds whipping across the tundra at 100 miles per hour…

So come on! Join us here down in…

ANTARTICA!

…we need something to eat.

Rejected (for now) Holiday TV specials for 2001

A Very Condit Christmas
Jimmy Carrey: Scion of Pure Evil (Not really a holiday special per se, but always timely)
Can Santa Find Me if I’m Locked in the Closet?: Christmas on Welfare
Limp Bizkit Saves Christmas
When Reindeer Attack!
Short Stack: Santa’s Funkiest Elf
The History Channel presents Secrets of WWII: The Santa-Hitler pact

Nice to Meet You

Oh, sure, I seem like a nice guy, but I burn with an insane hatred for all mankind. Beneath my pleasantly amenable exterior bubbles a heart of purest sulfuric acid bound and determined to see the flame of humanity extinguished in the most violent and hideous way possible.
Oh, please don’t mistake my gaze for interest in your petty little comings and goings; it’s really an insanely focused stare that would burn out the back of your skull if it only could. And that low grinding noise you hear? It’s me, gritting and mashing my teeth together as hard as I can, as if I could press sparks out of solid bone to ignite a flame of purest hate that would consume you and all that come near. And that handshake? Pleasant enough, perhaps, but the restraint I put into holding my self back from crushing into powder every bone in your anemic little hand is astounding.
Words are ill-equipped to convey the palpable sense of disgust I feel in your presence. Feel my hate. Feel it. Know that it burns like an eternal flame and goes on and on out into space, filling the very universe itself with it’s horriffic intensity.

That said, are you free for a second date?

Love is…

A piercing “down there”.
Putting up with the in-laws.
Pretending to orgasm.
Pretending to care if she orgasms.
Wearing her soiled underwear.
Putting up with his psychotic/her nuerotic friends.
Pretending not to find his porn.
Not saying what you REALLY think.
Puttin’ up with each other’s shit!

Just imagine drawings of those two little naked dwarves and it becomes even funnier…

What’s Up With Al?

Those who know me may have noticed some changes in my behavior due to my second child arriving at my house a bit over a month ago. As many may correctly theorize, these changes are due to a combination of sleep deprivation, cabin fever and shot nerves from hour-long crying jags (which my son occasionally indulges in as well). Many have noticed the glassy stare, the fixed lopsided smile, the lack of reaction to accidentally plunging my hand into a pot of boiling water, etc. Well, just for fun, here’s a few things I have actually done at odd hours of the night. Enjoy! Parenthood beckons to all…

- Sang the “Everybody have fun tonight/Everybody Wang Chung tonight” song for 30 minutes straight.
- Became a little too excited at the sight of my son’s poop ( I’ve actually written the wife notes about it. Several.)
- Started arguing with the television. Damn if it didn’t argue back…
- Kept my thumb in a mouth other than my own for hours at a time.
- Eagerly awaited the midnight reruns of “Ren & Stimpy” every weeknight. An overactive sleep-deprived hairless dog with anger management difficulties. Finally, someone I can relate to…
- Actually did the TV sitcom “bite-my-own-hand” bit to keep myself from yelling in pain and waking up the rest of the family after banging my knee on a piece of furniture in the dark.
- In desperation, actually made and ate the tater tots in the back of the freezer that no one has touched since the Kennedy Administration.

Of course, as they say, it’s all worth it. When Chris smiles or falls asleep on my chest it’s one of the greatest feelings a guy can have. Everyone should give it a try. That said, who’s up for babysitting?…