Monday, December 03, 2001

Well, I haven't posted anything for a while. Many of you are probably wondering what's been going on the last few months. Well, actually, none of you are, since the only ones who read this are my college buddies, and we talk every week or so. Oh, well, here's something new:

"Tendrils" - A Play in 3 Parts



PART 1: we meet the principals.

Setting: Madagascar, or perhaps the jungles of Siberia.

(Mating call of the three-horn siren): Voov! Voov!

Leppy (astride a midget lion): There she is, Barker! Hone your cutting blade, post-haste!

Barker (crouching for the first strike): Aye, and a weighty one she is, too! This'll be good eatin' back on the ship!

Suddenly the sun goes out. Leppy and Barker peer at each other keenly.

Leppy: Well, that's inconvenient.

Barker: I can't feel my foot.

Leppy: You mean feet?

Barker: I mean my 12 inches.

Leppy: Can I feel it?

PART 2: we are doused with liniment.

Setting: New York, and the livin' is easy.

Doris: Hash browns are up!

Mell (seething): didn't I tell you never to raise your voice above 56 dbs?

Doris: Don't make me regret having been born!

Mell: Aahhh, I can't argue with a cupcake like you!

They kiss. Doris slaps Mell. Mell grabs a fire extinguisher and swings it, connecting with Doris' head, which explodes in a cloud of cigarette ashes.

Inspector Fosby: Why, it's a good thing I was sitting here drinking my coffee, or I would have never seen such a horrible crime being committed. (He puts the cuffs on Mell) You should never take a fire extinguisher off it's base unless there is a real emergency. Now it's plenty of prison food and toast for you!

Leppy (entering stage left): Are we up yet?

Inspector Fosby & Mell: Not yet!!

PART 3: the dramatic conclusion

Barker (licking his fingers): Mmmmm, that was good.

Leppy (also licking Barker's fingers): Yes, there's nothing like a good foot long to...

Suddenly, the angeleic ghost of Doris appears above them, hovering.

Doris: Oh, cut it out, you two!

Leppy (jumping to his feet): Mom! What happened??

Doris: I was killed by a cyborg posing as a short-order cook.

Barker: Do you mean a "Short-order" cook, or a short "Order cook"?

Doris pulls out a magic wand and changes Barker into a vending machine.

Leppy: That's horrible! At least you could have made him into a soda fountain.

Doris (intoning solemnly): Son, do not do what I have done. Make sure to always lather BEFORE rinsing.

Leppy: I'll try to remember that.

Cue the dancing girls. THE END.